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The VICE Guide to Pizza

Illustration by Nick Gazin

After originating in the Mediterranean in the 1800s, the round pie we call pizza became a global sensation post-World War II. Just about every disorder in the world has their version of this versatile dish. The genius of pizza is that it's infinitely adaptable. All has their preferences and only one of its kind predilections. Cultures place their own spin on pizza, but it's all equal… or is it?

A restaurant in Canada made the world's most expensive pizza just this month. For $ 450, you can get a white truffle pie with lobster thermidor, black Alaskan cod, smoked salmon, tiger prawns, and Russian Osetra caviar. It probably tastes like licking the crotch of a track suit after a marathon, but the Dr. Frankensteins who invented this monstrosity are able to call their dish "pizza" in view of the fact that their stupid ingredients are on a round disc made of dough. I refuse to stand for that.

It's time that we as a society place our foot down and set some guidelines for what is and isn't pizza. We've assembled an A-Z list of the most vital aspects of pizza culture and SPOILER ALERT: none of them contain fucking caviar.

AFTER SCHOOL

This is the witching hour when it comes to pizza. While pizza certainly has its moments at dinner and during the wee hours of the morning when you're plastered, it really shines due to its ubiquitous presence at after-school extracurricular activities. Whether it's post-soccer game or during a study session for final exams, pizza absolutely dominates this time slot. We house of protection't seen facts like this in view of the fact that Cheers in its heyday. In fact, if it weren't for pizza at do, math-letes all across the disorder would starve to death.

Upright Mentions: Anchovies, all-you-can-eat dine buffet, artichokes, anal leakage

BIGFOOT

Whoever says Bigfoot isn’t real doesn’t remember Pizza Hut’s contribution to the world of cryptozoology. In the 90s, Pizza Hut introduced “The Bigfoot.” This gargantuan pizza was one foot wide and two feet long. Initially standard, it was quickly discontinued. Although there are some who say the beast is subdue out there…

The giant, check pizza was a touch of a mini-trend in the 90s. Domino's had the Dominator, which didn't last long. Even Modest Caesar's had one called "Huge! Huge!" This was also discontinued, and not just in view of the fact that of the stunning lack of creativity in the pizza's name.

Upright Mentions: BBQ chicken, Book-It, breadsticks

Photo via Flickr User Peter

COLD PIZZA

Like revenge, pizza is a dish best served cold. Eating your pizza cold not only tastes splendid, but is quick and simple. Sure the crust isn't as snappy and the pepperoni now has the consistancy of an unused condom, but the congealed cheese is the secret stick of the surplus slice. The magic of cold pizza cheese is not a touch I even want to know. Telling me why it's excellent is like telling me how babies are made. WHO CARES, DUDE? I just wish there was a stork that delivered cold pizza to my household.

Upright Mentions: CiCi's Pizza, crust-first, coupons, CPK

DAD WEEKEND

Your parents sit you down and tell you that they subdue like each additional. It isn't your flaw, but they're vacant to start spending time apart. You know what that means? Twice a month you're vacant to get to diplomacy no matter what toppings you want! Be grateful God your dad can't cook for shit. Right like is a lie, and you're reaping all the repayment. Hey, maybe if your family spent more time eating a nice home-cooked meal around the table as a replacement for of inhaling pizza in front of the TV you wouldn't be in this position in the first house. Ah, it's a vicious cycle. A tasty, vicious cycle.

Upright Mentions: Deep dish, dessert pizza, delivery, DiGiorno

EAT PIZZA ANYTIME (YOU CAN)

Like a vaguely Jewish lightning bolt from the sky, Bagel Bites struck quick and hard on the cultural landscape in the 1980s and 1990s. From its oppressively catchy jingle to its ability to be bought in bulk and served to snotty children (or snotty drunks), everything about the frozen pizza bagel was carefully crafted to immediately carve out a hole in my heart. Pop them in the oven for a few minutes and you have a bunch of tiny pizzas that can fit in the palm of your hand. In the morning, in the evening, and even at supper time. When pizza's on a bagel, you really can eat pizza any time.

Upright Mentions: Ellen DeGeneres Oscars pizza stunt, Edgar (the delivery guy from the Ellen pizza stunt)

FROZEN PIZZA

Picture yourself alone, aimless in a godless universe on a dark Wednesday night in America's Middle West. You just got off an eight-hour budge at the liquor store. You come home to an void, cold apartment to the top with drained energy go cans and quick-food wrappers. You open the freezer. There, below the glowing light, you see it: Your dinner. The consistency of it is not unlike the box it sits in. The go? If not for the hot sauce you poured on it after 20 minutes in the oven at 375 degrees, flat. It's not delivery. It's depression.

Upright Mentions: Flatizza, folding your slice

GLUTEN-FREE

Bread is to the top with gluten. Pizza is to the top with fucking bread. So no, poindexter, you can't have gluten-free pizza. Or, at least, you shouldn't be able to. The proliferation of Celiac disease, but, has made money-hungry eateries of all shapes and sizes keen to cater to gluten-free geeks. Which is why, in spite of it all, you can now get gluten-free pizza.  By virtue of the fact that the 17-year-ancient preparing it could give less than a fuck about your "condition," though, the restaurant warns that "Customers with gluten sensitivities should exercise discrimination in consuming this pizza."

Upright Mentions: Gout, Gangnam Style pizza

HERMAN CAIN

The Godfather himself. This guy sold pizzas and thought that would be enough to make him president. Looking back, I’m really surprised America didn’t go for that. But, in an obvious nod to the Italians that pioneered pizza before to him, his sexual aggression with female employees got the best of him and tanked his campaign. And to reckon, we could have had our first "pizza president." Perhaps history will aptly itself in the next appointment cycle and we can all irrevocably vote for "The Noid."

Upright Mentions: Hungry Howie's

Photo via Flickr User Rolando Tanglao

ITALIANS 

I’d like to start this off by thanking the Italians for inventing this fantastic dish. You were the first to place a bunch of cheese and unsystematic shit on a round disc made of dough. Pretty clever. We'll take it from here though. Your crust isn't stuffed. Your pies are neither "hot" nor "equipped" when I diplomacy them. Why is your sauce sweet? Where's all the cheese? I see zero cartoon mascots in your country. Do you even have an electronic logic that allows me to track my pizza as it's being made? Oh, you don't? SMDH, Italy. Here in America, we're always "Makin' It Splendid."

Upright Mentions: Internet pizza memes

Photo via Flickr User Cassidy

JUST GET SOME FUCKING BREADSTICKS, OK?

Pizza's overly keen modest brother. While the calzone is like pizza's obnoxious, arrogant cousin from the huge city (a meal unto itself, in the end a pizza folded into itself), breadsticks are a inconsequential, yet tasty compliment to any meal. If you want to really lose your mind, usually there is a type of "insane" or "loco" or "crazy" bread that is just a bunch of breadsticks covered in melted cheese.

Wondering if anyone else wants breadsticks? Guess what? They do. All secretly likes breadsticks. There are no Tumblr pages or novelty t-shirts dyed-in-the-wool to breadsticks, but that's in view of the fact that they're the Batman of comfort food. They're our silent guardian, our watchful protector, lurking in the shadows—the Carb Knight.

Upright Mentions: Jonas Brothers hit song, "Pizza Girl"

KALE

Kale is a "superfood." Pizza is a "super" food, to be sure, but its health repayment are nonexistent. That's why, when you bring together the two, not only do you negate the healthfulness of the kale, you ruin the go of the pizza. What the fuck is ill-treat with you? Don't you know there are kids in Africa aptly now failing for access to superfoods?

Upright Mentions: K! Pizzacone,

LIQUID DEATH (AKA "GREASE")

A 2-ply napkin, applied to the surface of a grease-laden slice of pizza, is but an impotent attempt to protect the eater from the colon-crushing, waist-expanding nightmare that is said pizza. Emphasis, of way, on impotent. You can blot all you want, baby girl, but it ain't gonna do a goddamned thing, additional than needlessly end a dozen napkins. If you're worried about the caloric content of your meal, here's a suggestion: eat a touch that isn't pizza. Or just throw up afterwards. The grease'll coat your throat.

Upright Mentions: Lactose intolerance, Lunchables pizza

Photo via Flickr User yoppy

MAKE IT YOURSELF (OR NOT)

There are many things you can make at home, and I am sure they're splendid: Hamburgers, pasta, sandwiches, etc. It’s not that hard to make this shit on your own. Pizza, but, you can by no means do. I know you reckon you can, but except you have a wood-fired oven and the ability to get that dough into a exact circle your DIY pizza is a sham. I learned a long time ago to give up on making my own pie. Every time it came out of the oven it looked like pizza's "Before to" picture in a plastic surgery ad. The slices end up being rectangular, the bread is too thick, and the cheese is by no means aptly. The higher than photo is superficially of a "pizza," but throwing dine meat on a round cracker does not a pizza make. 

Upright Mentions: Mozzarella sticks, marinara, Macauly Culkin's pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band

Photo via Flickr User Michael Gray

NEW YORK STYLE

The age old debate: New York vs. Chicago. Chicago style is splendid. Really. It's tasty and filling. It's a really special treat. It's also not as excellent as New York style. I mean, seriously. Look at this shit.

Why does this even need to be said? God bless you, Chicago. Your "pizza" is fantastic, but it's not pizza. Consolation prize for not being Los Angeles and putting avocado on your pies though. Thankfulness for that.

Upright Mentions: Napoli, Noid

OBAMACARE

"Papa" John Schnatter announced that implementing Obamacare at his Papa John's franchises would cause as much as a 14-cent increase in price and lead to employees' hours being cut. Heaven forbid a CEO who churns out one of the unhealthiest foods on the earth dole out a modest extra cash to take care of his own. So next time you want a pizza, reckon about where your money is really vacant. (Your gut.) In fact, if the predictable American family abstained from buying pizza and saved that money as a replacement for, then a lot more people in this country could meet the expense of health insurance.

Upright Mentions: Oregano, obesity 

PINEAPPLE (PROS & CONS):

PRO: Warm, ripe, tangy, a bit sweet and a bit sour, pineapple is a topping that must to go without saying for right pizza aficionados at this point. Pineapple also supposedly makes your cum go better. I don’t know if that’s right or not but there’s no way pineapple is making your cum go of poorer quality. If it makes you feel better, let’s also just say that it’s locally grown and organic. There you go. Now just place it on your pizza and delight in yourself. 

CON: This is pizza, not fruit salad. Next thing, you're vacant to tell me I should place grapes and cantelope on pizza. This is the slipperiest slope there is. When it comes to pizza, I am a strict constructionist.

Upright Mentions: Pizza saver, "Pizza por Pesos"

QUICK DELIVERY TIME

Except you're a mom or a nerd, pizza is not a pre-intended affair. Therefore, the quickness of delivery time is nearly more imperative to your enjoyment of pizza than if the damn thing is even not fatal. We all know at least one self who's eaten an uncooked frozen pizza in view of the fact that they looked-for it now.

In fact, the hierarchy of pizza qualities, in diplomacy from most to least vital, is as follows:

1. Actively not made of poison

2. How quick it gets to your mouth

3. Feature of ingredients

4. Does the money you waste on this pizza go to scumbag anti-abortion groups?

5. GMOs or no matter what

6. Did it fall on the floor cheese-side down?

7. Did it fall on the floor cheese-side UP? (this is perfectly fine and really improves the pizza, in view of the fact that you are eating a miracle.)

Upright Mentions: Queen Latifah did voiceover for a Pizza Hut money-making

RANCH

In March of this year, a pizza house in Dallas, Texas, exciting patrons $ 1,000 for a side of dairy farm in diplomacy to discourage the use of the cream dressing on their neapolitan-style pie. Jay Jerrier, title-holder of Cane Rosso, claimed that he was merely joking when he slapped the insane map on a pot of dairy farm hanging from the wall of his establishment. This "joke" quickly twisted into a 900 note-long Reddit flame war. Opinions ranged from: "He's in the high feature end of the service diligence, you're not paying for food, you're paying for his expertise. He has every aptly to point out that dairy farm should not be requested or used in his own establishment" all the way to clever pop culture references like "No soup for you!" Remember? Like in that sitcom your dad used to watch.

The truth is, dairy farm is tasty. Pizza crust is usually dry, dull, and flat. Why not dunk that shit in some cream salad dressing? What are you, some kinda commie?

Upright Mentions: Rock-afire Explosion

STUFFED CRUST

Let's all drop down on bending knee and kiss the ring of Pizza Hut founder John R. Pizzahut, who, in his infinite wisdom saw fit to go in owing to the out door and place stick it where it doesn't belong. "It," of way, is "cheese" and "where it doesn't belong" is inside crust. What now seems like an obvious go was highly controversial at launch. Who had ever dreamed of eating pizza backwards? Now, it's accepted do. Not one to rest on their past success, Pizza Hut has stepped up their game again and made the Three Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza, which It took a right visionary to buck caucus and commence the golden age of pizza we currently delight in. Be grateful you, John R. Pizzahut. Your legacy will live on forever. Roll-over prize!!!!!!!

Upright Mentions: Check pizza, salad pizza

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

I’m not saying the Ninja Turtles made pizza what it is, but the ahead of schedule 90s were a splendid time for pizza all around and the Turtles benefit from that friendship. Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Rapahel showed the ultimate dream life we aspired to but could by no means have: they hung with their bros all day, they used weapons, and they ate pizza all the time without any of the bodily penalty of being human. They could by no means get flabby stomachs, and their huge, eerie green muscles seemingly were by no means unnatural either. They also had a splendid loft-style sewer apartment that any slum-chic trustfunder would kill for. The Turtles were grotesque abominations of nature, just like we all are, but they had each additional and they had pizza. 

Upright Mentions: Stomach (where the pizza goes)

UNDERGROUND PIZZA JOINTS (SUCK)

I know you reckon that pizza house in the basement of some guy's household in a dark alley 20 miles outside of town has to be the greatest pizza in the world, but probability are it's crap. Unlike “secret” burrito and taco spots, secret pizza spots don't really exist. If it's excellent pizza, people know about it. Despise to burst your bubble, but just stuff some Sbarro in your mouth and deal with the crushing reality that is tasty corporate pizza.

Upright Mentions: "U Bake" pizza

VARIATIONS

Call me xenophobic if you must, but I despise when "worlds collide." Fusion, be it jazz or Japanese, maddens me. Which is why I'm baffled and exasperated by any variation on the pizza's classic cheese, crust and toppings formula. While burgers are splendid, and pizza is fantastic, the two should stay on their own ends of the cooking Mason-Dixon Line.

A Korean chain called Mr. Pizza down the road from me called sells seafood-covered pizzas with crusts made out of "sweet potato styling gel"; said pizzas are served with orange marmalade dipping sauce and cost $ 30. This is not pizza. This is the subject of a listical unfolding how "eerie" Asian culture is.

Upright Mentions: Vegan pizza

WEIRD TOPPINGS

There's a total litany of ingredients that can go on a pizza, and at this point we've become bored with the same old cheese, pepperoni and mushroom variations we've had for years. Anchovies are the standard eerie topping, although some people swear by them. Jalapenos have made it into the rotation as of late. My friend Dave likes to diplomacy jalapenos on his pizza. I try to avoid eating pizza with Dave. Isn't that a bring shame on? A friendship torn asunder due to pizza? Pizza is held to bring us all together! While we all have our predilections, I would suggest sticking to the mainstays in larger groups. It's just gonna go down simpler that way. But when you're alone, or with a trusted friend? Get eerie, bro. Let that freak flag glide. Anchovies, jalapenos and all.

Upright Mentions: Wings (buffalo), white pizza

X-TRA LARGE

At Costco, you can hold an 18'' pie for $ 9.99. That's an incredible price, and an exciting proposition. Yet no one you see purchasing one looks excited. It's nearly as if their lives are hell.

Upright Mentions: X-Files episode with pizza in it. Remember that one?

YOU BETTER TIP THE DELIVERY GUY

Only pornography has recognized that pizza delivery is a profession worth blowing. Women like men in uniform which is one reason the Pizza Delivery Guy was the top porn reputation of the 80s and 90s. Society as a total, though, has been slow to recognize the substance of the job. Pizza delivery is a profession that deserves respect regardless of the position’s pay, like a soldier or mail carrier, and a new uniform would go a long way toward that end. I would suggest a touch sleek, black, and militaristic, with a hat that has room for the restaurant’s logo on the front. Maybe an armband? How about leather boots? I reckon we're onto a touch.

Upright Mentions: Yelp reviews, Yolo pizza

ZITS

What grease goes in, it must come out, no matter how tasty it may have been vacant down. Zits are a nice go of irony, too, in view of the fact that they make your face look like exactly what you just ate. Although they’re hideous and annoying, zits grant a helpful service: they protect us from ourselves. Without zits and stout, there would really be no reason to not eat pizza for every meal. 

Upright Mentions: 'Za (don't call it that)

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